What makes me smile ever more. 2007, I can’t wait.

You know something?

After making the last 2 posts and just reviewing photographs during that period has made me realize what were the things that used to make me very happy with my life.

Feelings of kind heartedness and the free good will towards humanity and the pleasant hope that everyone in the world is indeed full of kindness.

The things that make me happy are,

Old crooner songs, laughter, smiles, singing in the rain, great friends, the feelings of being loved, the hint of a potential love affair, weird and wonderful situations, kisses, hugs, being told that you’re needed by someone else, sweet farewells, being touched from the most unexpected forms of kindness, loyalty, commitment, the chase, the drama, the climax, the separation and especially, the future, so exciting yet so scary.

I’ve also made a conclusion of how I should start the new year, 2007. I know this will sound odd to many but to me, I think it is necessary if I were to indeed reclaim the happiness and the carefree attitudes I used to have. My plan is simple and I am surprised that I’ve never thought of it at first.

All the painful events in the years 2005 and 2006 never really happened.

All the bad feelings, thoughts, sadness, pain and sorrows of that time period never happened. Even if they did, they all occurred in the year 2004 and the year 2007 is just a continuation of that year.

Heck, I’ve even thought up the time-line of how to join these 2 disjointed years. I know this sounds very silly but hey, I’ve never truly led a normal life, now have I?

Now the question here is, why 2004? Why not 2005 or even 2003?

Well, the answer is really simple actually. I firmly believe that in the year 2004, I was the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life, though I will admit that the 2nd half wasn’t too hot but it doesn’t really matter now.

In 2004, I grew up in so many ways and seriously had too much fun in the process of my own personal self-discovery. I hadn’t noticed it back then but what I learnt and felt in that year was the precursor to the (POSITIVE) feelings and (POSITIVE) attitudes that I currently possess now.

You could say, I experienced everything a person could want to experience in that time period, things that I only wished that I had not taken for granted, people that I’ve lost because of the darkness I was clouded in, in the later months.

In essence, the years 2005 and 2006 were really years of self-destruction and self-loathing that I am quite sorry to say manifested into an externalized form of hatred and anger towards everyone, even to those that I truly cared for the most.

It was a horrible 2 years of darkness and a loss of life. I truly fell into the depths of hell during that period. I lost hope for almost everything and ended up becoming a glutton, a person filled with jealousy and feelings of self-remorse.

Having read some of my older journal entries (offline entries, duh! :P) just recently, I can’t really believe the amount of horror and the pure idiocy of the whole thing. It shocked me to no end and it made me wonder, if I hadn’t noticed of the state that I was in then, what would have happened to me in the later years then?

Though there were indeed some good things that occurred during those 2 hard, long years, that I’ll probably remember but nothing could ever top off the things I had experienced in 2004. Nothing could ever change my feelings and biased perceptions of how wonderful that year was.

Could this be my new year’s resolution, perhaps?

Still, I’m still looking for a happy ending for my book. Perhaps I will find it in 2007 and finally, at damned last, put aside this volume and begin on my next tome.

In 2007 too, I must go on a vacation. Alone. To see the world at large and probably photograph the crap out of it. Hopefully by then, I’ll be properly equipped and physically fit to embark on it. By hook or by crook, I must see the world in which I am to save from a yet unknown calamity.

More resolutions! Damn…I better make sure that I will be capable of pulling it all off before I actually end up shooting myself in the foot!

Let’s try to exaggerate it even more! I need to add more resolutions or should I say, “targets” scheduled for completion!

In 2007, I must,

1. Complete a 10 Kilometer marathon within the given time limit.
2. Climb the bloody mountain in Sabah.
3. Get ripped or at the very least, increase my muscular strength.
4. Get dental braces and fix my grotesque, yet so ‘pleasant’, teeth.
5. Finally annihilate acne and all these damn facial blemishes.
6. Eating healthily all within a planned diet.
7. Learning to cook all those weird and extremely cheesy dishes that I love.
8. Travel to somewhere out of the Asian region.
9. Buy those bloody lenses that I’ve been drooling for, for so long.
10. Increasing my arm width by an inch or more. (Come to think of it, this sounds just like Ren asking for large Pectoral muscles from the tooth fairy from the Ren & Stimpy Show.)
11. Invest in the bloody RMB and wait for the market to open up in the future.
12. Become intermediate a new language, conversationally and written. I am biased towards Mandarin cause the China market should yield the highest potential gain in my career in the future.
13. Practice and learn the Flamenco guitar techniques.
14. Participate in dancing classes and learn the classical forms of dancing.
15. Attend the International Jazz Festival in Kuching and hopefully get a Press/Photographer pass so I can shoot uninhibitedly.
16. Buy either two 19″ Dell monitors or a single 30″ Dell monitor.
17. Acquire a new snazzy handphone for vanity purposes.
18. Acquire one of the watches that I’ve always wanted from the Nixon Collection.
19. Be happy and just be kind to the new people I am bound to meet as my career progresses.
20. Be a lot less mistrustful of people, and be more open to their request. Though if they fuck with me, you can be sure they will be kindly reciprocated in the same value of their gifts to me.
21. Smile and laugh a lot more and try to have more fun with life.

Last but not least,

STOP AND TOTALLY QUIT SMOKING!

HAH!

Though realistically, resolutions 1 till 21 are very much possible but the last ‘target’ is very hard to say at the very least…

I’ve probably got a lot more items that I would like to add to that list but think the above 20 should suffice to all those reading this. In other words, I want 2007 to be the year I come out of my shell, which is not to be mistaken with the term “coming out of the closet“, you taffers!

Either way, even if I don’t get my dream job in the coming months, I will not stop with my efforts in improving my life.

In other words, I am truly going to love myself even more so than what I had accomplished in the past 6 months. In closing, I am still very in love with me.

God! That sounds so incredibly cheesy!