Note: I just wrote foot notes for this entry and just kept going. I must apologize for the lack of structure. I’ll get it right the next time! 
“Boring men probably lead the most fruitful of lives. Well, at the end of it, of course.”
I’ve probably missed out on a lot of things during my youth but it was never a true detractor towards my lifestyle, no, no, no. I’m now so much better off than I was before and do feel extremely blessed to be in the position I’m in now. As much as I’ve lost in the past, I do actually feel that I’ve gained a lot more in the process.
The one thing that surprises me is how much more at peace I am with myself. I’ve always felt a sort of volatile energy in me that always seemed to want bigger and better things. Acceptance was a big issue in my life having felt that I never truly blended in with those around me. Even those I considered close friends were also distant to me, in actuality. I really dont know why I always had these sort of inhibitions in my life.I would have thought that by ageing and just growing up, I’d soon outgrow all these infallacies I had in me, yet, as the years went by, nothing really did change. Perhaps the scenery and the circumstances surrounding my being did in did change but never did I feel that I had progressed to that pinnacle of acceptance.
Well, that’s me I guess. I mean, how else am I suppose to define it, right? Every person unto themself is unique. So with that, my problems too are unique unto itself.I like myself now.I mean, I like how my clear and calm my mental state is.I definitely do not like how I look, no doubt but really, I do indeed like myself as to how I feel.At this point in time and at this position in which I find myself, it all seems to me that I have indeed made great strides and have finally reached a certain plateau that I’ve been reaching for all this time. The solution itself was simple. The solution itself was quite odd, if I may be frank about it.
The reduction and removal of certain emotional traits from my day-to-day psychological state has actually enabled me to just focus on the good things in life and not dwell and bemoan on the horrific pessimism that can easily be harbored against anything one thinks of.Simplicty was indeed the key to my success but I do believe that I did practice what I preached. I made a continous effort in shooting down any negative thoughts or sad feelings that I knew would disrupt my present mood. I shot them all down, I willed them away, I told myself not to even think about these silly and negative matters anymore.
I’m so glad that I finally learnt my lesson which is simple really, dont add fuel to a burning flame, ignore it and it may die down but if one takes a concious effort in putting it out, it will prevent it from potentially spreading to catastrophic heights.
I still have thoughts about her from time to time. Yet they have grown to become quite infrequent and of course, a lot less painful. I guess I am in the stage in which I will soon just remember her as a memory and as something that happened in “days gone by”. Her relevancy to my life does not exist, so it has become quite easy to just put them aside. I know it is odd to say all that considering the place I’m based at now but really, I dont really think of her that much anymore. As much as I’d like to but I know I shouldnt do it.
In some ways, I dont really care anymore about her, but I dont blame her for what happened to me anyway. All in all, if I had to sum it all up in one word, I’d simply choose “mis-communication”.
I do still think that it would have been quite a fruitful relationship, without a doubt but then again, the time for it has truly passed. Perhaps the fates will indeed pull up a trick from its sleeve but I am not hoping for too much anyway. Be it as it may, I’ll just wait and see as to what happens next.Right now, all I am concerned with is doing a good job and starting my little bits in wealth gathering.
I may one day meet her again, by chance of course, but I do pray that I dont, for the both of our sakes.
Sigh…
Perhaps Love was never meant for me.
I still do love, no doubt, but I now do believe that I can never love the way that I want to. Nor would I ever experience love in the forms and manners that I had hoped for for so long. In many ways, love was my crutch in life. It probably did slow me down on numerous occassions and just made me feel a lot more worse than I should have. I have written so much about this emotion simply because I myself cannot understand it. It is an odd emotion, dont you think?
It is so volatile and is filled with the most unbelievable amount of destructive energy yet it also soothes and eases one’s inner emotional turmoils. It brings peace and it brings wars. It is extremely desired, yet at the same time, extremely loathed. Love in itself is the epitome of what I’d like to call a ‘cluster-fucked’ emotion.Those who have it claim to be happy but are in actuality are not. Those who dont have it claim to be unhappy but in reality are indeed happy, if only they took the time to appreciate it. Those who dont have a clue nor any desires for it are the lucky one’s, for they never have to wonder nor desire such an odd and abstract emotion.
Oh well…
What to do, right?
FUI-YOH! <– Currently the word spoken as a form of stress-relief between my boss, my colleague and I. =D
I’ll write more about my current job and the irony of the whole project that I am involved in right now. It should make for some interesting reading for those who wonder about my oddball position in an Engineering company. And this ends this post, I guess. =P
Till we meet again, vamoosh!
