Don’t be the enemy, I’m just the underdog.

I’m can’t sleep.

I’m not bored as well.

I’m a little tired but I can’t seem to fall asleep.

I am starting to think that the reason as to why I can’t sleep has probably to do with the increased workload I’ve been assigned to today. Not to mention the odd Pinoy vodka drinking session I had last night.

Should I sweat it all out and just crumple into a stupor?

Then again, I’m lazy. =P

To which, I decided to blog. =/
So, what am I to blog about tonight?

As usual, in the maelstrom of my mind, I have aplenty to say but also as usual, it is all in a massive jumble of thoughts and unconcluded observations.

I guess for this post, I’ll speak about nothing.

Nothing in particular that is.

So let’s start shall we?

In the past few months of working and just basically doing nothing particularly significant, I noticed something that I never did note before.

As one grows older, one must work harder to achieve their goals.

As compared to being young and youthful with more or less everything either excused or pardoned from, being older means being expected to shoulder responsibility an expected precise manner.

This simply means, no more complaining, no more excuses, no more second guessing one’s actions and also most importantly, just shutting up and keeping your most private and most personal opinions to one’s self.

Getting older probably means losing the trust towards other human beings. Though I am surrounded by the best workmates I could have ever asked for but we all do understand the need to stay professional and not intermix our personal lives with that of our duties.
This to me…is quite scary yet very comforting to me, all at the very same time.

This basically means that as much I’ll probably lose out on true human commaridine with them, I’ll probably not get hurt as well.

Ok, this is quite a weird subject. I cannot even conclude what the heck is the finality of the above chunk of text I’ve just, a few seconds ago, produced.

Alright, let’s move on then.

I am not tired yet so I’ll touch on more sensitive issues then.
Lately, I’ve been watching ‘How I met your mother’. Yes, those who think it’s a show for pansies can laugh their guts out now.

I’ll wait for you to choke on your lung or something before continuing.

Anyway, watching that show made me realize how futile the idea of dating and finding the ‘one’ really is. I kind of identify with the characters on the show so I somewhat sympathise with their plight.

Though the main protagonist does indeed find the ‘one’ but the futility of the whole exercise really does scare a person. When I was much younger, all I thought about was getting laid and just having physical fun.

As I got a little bit older, I then realized how horrific the side-effects of hesitation and lust can do to one’s psyche.

Not too long ago, I came to the conclusion that I’ll probably never feel the same way towards any other women in my life as I had during the time in which I finally did see my picture of perfection.

So what’s left of me now?

I’m kind of burnt out by it all to be honest. There is no such thing as a forever nor is there ever anything fair when dealing with these sort of things.

I mean, let’s think about it shall we?

I’ve been pretty much screwed in the head and life in the pass 4 years prior to landing this post here in Brunei.

I was financially screwed, mentally screwed, physically screwed, socially screwed, futuristically screwed.

And it all then somewhat ended when I went supernova and ended up as a white dwarf.

When it all ended, when everything in my life had ended so badly, then came this fresh beginning on my life. A bigger paycheck, a cooler job, better perks as well as becoming what I had wanted to be career-wise, an employee hired by a foreign country.

All in all, my career is going swimmingly. Sure there have been its ups and downs but I’ve never felt this relaxed in my work life.

It is probably to do with the fact that in my personal life, almost everything that I once believed in has been purged and hidden away from my thoughts.

It hasnt been easy, yes, but at least right now in this time and day, for the first time in 4 years, I can actually see the future of what I could possibly achieve in my life and not just that black void of losing the love of my life and watching my life just end as quickly as it started.

So many good things are happening to me now, material wise, but on the emotional level, it is pretty dead now.

I guess after so many years of screwing my life up, I guess even the gods took pity towards my situation and even bestowed me the chance to move on.
So…
I still miss her. =P
Which I will admit contradicts everything I’ve said so far. =P
Guess this is what the god’s have in planned for me all this while, huh?

I wonder if she still thinks of me. Guess she probably does and curses the very existance of my being for messing up so many things along the way.

I still do dream in a positive way in which I wonder how things would have turned out between us.

I’d wager that it would have probably turn out the same way anyway.

Oddly enough, everytime I offer a prayer to the gods above, I still do pray for her happiness. You may think this is bullshit but seriously, I do. Every single time I’d do this. She deserves it cause she is a good person.

I guess I still hold on a bit for that possibility but, nah, it ain’t feasibly anymore.

At least now I can say that I had at one time felt what it could have been and knew how it felt.

Guess that’s one less complication in my life, right? =P
Ok, guess it is about time that I sleep now.

Kinda sad that blogging makes me sleepy but in actuality, I enjoyed typing this out. Though I am doubtful anyone would be happy to slog through all these text.

So that’s it.