I just had a heart attack.
Really, I did.
It was all caused by my simple sense of curiosity.
I made a simple Google search and…
FUCK!!!
I probably know too much now and wish I never did…
Then again, it’s all my own fault anyway…
fuck.
What an utterly beautiful and precious song! It makes me want to believe in life once more. =P
…
…
…
Then again, this song reminds me of someone else.
Read the rest of this entry »
Note: I just wrote foot notes for this entry and just kept going. I must apologize for the lack of structure. I’ll get it right the next time! 
“Boring men probably lead the most fruitful of lives. Well, at the end of it, of course.”
I’ve probably missed out on a lot of things during my youth but it was never a true detractor towards my lifestyle, no, no, no. I’m now so much better off than I was before and do feel extremely blessed to be in the position I’m in now. As much as I’ve lost in the past, I do actually feel that I’ve gained a lot more in the process.
Note: This post was originally written on the 28th of January, 2007. I’ve now decided to publicize it as a reminder to myself as to how my views towards life was during that period of time. I never wanted to publicize this post but reading it now makes me feel obligated to do so. A stark reminder of bitter memories and hardships that I’ve managed to overcome, perhaps?
In all honesty, I do sincerely hope that I have had changed since that period of time but in many ways, I am certain that some of these negative elements do still persist within me. I do pray that I will never slump that far down ever again. I really do.
Oh by the way, Victoria Bitter is good too so do please try some if you do have the chance. 
Life isn’t fair.
Life generally sucks.
Life isn’t really fun.
Life isn’t really what we all had expected.
Then again, what else is new, correct?
Complaining about the weather isn’t going to change it, I know but seriously, I still would like to vent anyway. 
It is only logical that I take good care of my mental health and periodically vent these thoughts out into /dev/null. 
As the title implies, I just got back from the celebration concert that was held at City Fan today, commomerating the 2nd year of Miri’s City status. No pics since I didnt feel the need to record the event nor was I interested in lugging my equipment. Then again, the event wasn’t as great as I would have thought so nothing lost.
Seeing that this is indeed my first blog post in many, many moons, I should at the very least recap as to what’s been going on with my life of the late.
As those who’ve been reading this ‘postless’ blog of the late will know, I am finally in Brunei and am officially employed! I think I should sum up my experience in Brunei early on in this post, seeing the tendency I’ve got to ramble on and on before I make my point, such as the current structure of this sentence would definitely imply. 
Ok, Ok!
I love it!
I love my life in Brunei!
I love my job in Brunei!
I love my friends in Brunei!
I technically love the country but then again, I haven’t set foot out of Kuala Belait and Seria but I currently like what I see.
Brunei has really turned out to be what I had hoped and dreamed that it would be. A totally new start to my stagnant and quite problematic life. I feel so happy to be actually living the life I’ve got there, though admitably is still indeed in its infancy.
I also learnt a lot of things in Brunei. Things that did not make sense to me in the past now has become a lot more clearer, a lot more defined and understandable due to my recent experiences in that new environment. I have somewhat found a certain level of peace and a whole great deal of freedom. I guess you could say that I am on the path towards zen-hood but hey, who am I to kid, right?
But really, it’s so good that I sometimes wonder how was it possible that I could have made it to this position and to be treated with such respect and kindness by those that I work with……A marvelous and quite frankly, truly, a fresh breath of air!
I feel alive actually and really do look forward to going to work. As compared to my previous jobs, people here actually treat me with respect and listen to my queries and comments. They listen to me and actually treat me like a human being. People joke around with me and I too join in the fun whenever I am available to chime in.
Yet with all this wonderful news of my renewed life, also comes some negatives associated with it.
As odd as this will sound to you, the problems that I currently face are those that stem from my past. People that I once called friends, but now considered acquaintances, are now coming out of the woodwork, trying to take advantage of my position in helping them secure jobs in Brunei…
I say this simply because I had the great misfortune of meeting a person of this sort tonight at the Miri City Celebration Concert. I find it very disheartening to hear his order that I find him suitable postings and positions in Brunei. This is coming from a person that never did once looked for me during those great 9 months of solitude. He never initiated a meet-up, though I did conduct one so that I could apologize to him for my rude behavior during times come and gone.
After that, I never heard a single peep from him. Not a single word. Then again, I was never compelled to seek this ‘acquaintance‘ of mine simply because I was so fed up with his incessant bullshit and odd convictions relating to the ethics of ‘work‘.
Oddly enough, the week that I started working in Brunei, he actually e-mailed me, which I will tell you upfront now was a totally and extremely rare event. You’d be luckier winning the lottery than to receive such a thing from him. Anyway, in the e-mail, he stated that he wanted to apologize and be friend’s with me again. I then responded with a long e-mail stating my point of views as to what my definition of being friends meant.
I replied in such a manner because I wanted to let him know what I wanted from friendship and wanted to be as clear as possible as to my perspective towards friendship. Sadly, all he said in his reply was that it was too deep for him to understand and he then somewhat ignored the matter.
Then again, I’ve known months before hand from another friend of mine who told me that this ‘so-called‘ friend of mine was actually waiting for me to enter Brunei so that he too could ‘copy’ my methods of securing a job there. As flattering as that may sound to you but in all honesty, it sounded as if he wanted to use me to get a job there. All I saw in the recent gestures he made truly did indicate that what I had heard meant that my hunch on the matter was absolutely correct.
When I met him tonight, all I told him was that I was very lucky to have gotten it. And really, that’s the truth. I was in the right place at the right time and was tremendously helped by my old boss whom I was very loyal to. My current boss also helped pushed the organization to hire me in the end so I must say that I was very lucky to have these great men as my boss. That’s how I got the job, nothing more, nothing less.
Now moving on, let me horrify you with other observations I’ve seen as well ever since I’ve gotten the job. I have another friend of mine who seems to be now quite determined to improve his lifestyle and standings in life. Coincidentally, it all started ever since I told him that I would be mobilising to Brunei in a month’s time. During this single month I spent preparing for the move, he suddenly became somewhat unapproachable. Topics I would have with him during my meet-ups with him would be more like him stating to me that he was trying very hard to become ‘better’ than me in all sorts of things.
Honestly, I don’t really care what he does with his life since it is his own but to see a person whom I consider a close friend turn into this sort of person saddens me to no end. I don’t boast about my job but I do talk about the amount I am being paid for, to perform the job I was tasked to do when conversing with him. I just wanted him to know, that’s all. Perhaps I was gloating too but in all honesty, I just wanted to share what I knew and had with him.
I just feel that he has turned into someone who’s trying to compete with me now due to some kind superiority complex that he may or may not possess. An ideal that he may possibly believe that no one can ever be better than him in anything in life.
Perhaps I am being a bit too critical and cruel to him but I am now trying to reserve my judgment on him. I am indeed giving him the benefit of a doubt and just hope that this is just a rough patch as well as just a phase that the both of us are just going through.
Sure, you must think I am a big asshole for saying these things about my friends but really, I am just stating what’s on my mind in this present moment. Perhaps I am indeed an asshole who hasn’t discovered the cruel and sick joke that’s been placed on him but I frankly do not believe that it is such.
Maybe those who actually care could enlighten me as to what my true character is like on the outside and I will try to improve upon my shortcomings. Then again, I doubt anyone would since if they had already concluded that I was such, they couldn’t be bothered in spending time with me talking about it.
My, my, my! Look at all ramble and rants I’ve made in the post above! I haven’t gotten to the part as to why I feel blue!
I guess I’ll just reserve it for another post in the future in this case.
I however have one more thing to say before I end this post for tonight.
I still live in a lie.
Good night folks and may the anus-less dog bring you great fortune!
My God, it’s full of stars!
I guess it is kind of odd for me to post this but hell, it has truly been awhile since I’ve posted anything personal on this blog. Then again, it has been quite awhile since I’ve posted anything here.
Well I guess this should be a record as to what I am about to embark on. This will most probably be the last post I make here in Miri and will probably only post in Brunei once I have everything setup.
In the following week or so, I finally begin my excursion into the unknown. After 9 months of waiting, it will indeed begin. Everything is in place and all I got to do now is just to bring my skinny butt onto the workplace.
In actuality, I am not about to blog about that because it is pointless. Even if I did, it would be more like self-gratification than anything else. All I will say is, it is indeed in-line with what I have been planning all this while.
For those who always thought that I was bullshitting about my future direction and plans, I assure you that I will do what I’ve said and most definitely accomplish it. This current progression is indeed enough proof of my claims. I will not deviate from it and mask the reality of my situation.
I never did, I never had and I never will lie about myself.
I’ve always been honest and forward with what I wanted.
I am sorry to those who see otherwise to my claims.
Farewell to all the naysayers, for my faith in all of you has been shattered. Obliterated perhaps.
Thanks for the memories and everything but it was indeed necessary to part for all our sakes.
Farewell, comrades.
*End*
Now, what I would like to do is to just look back to the past 9 months and gauge as to how much have I learnt during that period.
Though I could list down every possible observation and conclusion I made during that timeframe, I will not. Though it makes for somewhat dramatic reading and such but I think it is about time I stopped writing in such manner for it only serves to covulate and confuse not only you, the readers, but my own personal mental state.
I think, what I’ve truly learnt during these past 9 months can be surmised in the following simple fact alone.
It is okay to be yourself.
This over-arching statement is very important to me, hence its simplicity. I am a hermit crab, as one once told me. At the time, I was shocked and angered by it but now I’ve come to realise hat it is indeed very true.
I am a hermit crab and it is okay to be one.
Everything is alright and it is alright for you to live your life as you see fit, no matter how different or how odd it may sound to everyone else.
It is okay to be alone, should you choose solitude over the expected human behaviour of mingling with others.
It is okay to live in the world by yourself, without a companion or a person who you can share your affections with.
It is okay to dream for a better tomorrow and slowly work towards it, no matter how futile and cruel the world views it.
It is okay to just be yourself, no matter how pathetic or disgusting it is to the casual observer.
It is okay to not love, for love destroys the souls of those who seek it the most.
It is okay.
Really, it is.
Everything is fine.
Life goes on as does the evolution of one’s own thought processes.
Well, as simple as the above, I guess it is about time I bid everyone farewell. See you all on the other side.
On a side note, 2001: A Space Odyssey was a total mind-fuck but with such amazing photography. =O
Yum, yum! Gotta git me sum of those Kannadian gurls! <3
*Ahem*
I have not forsaken you yet! I will update you sooner than later!
Why can’t people make music like this anymore?
I mean, whatever happened to edgy sado-maschostic-styled industrial rock music anyway?
When I talk about what I term as the de facto songs in my book, I generally think of the following criterias.
Finally, the most important criteria of them all…
DOES IT JUST FUCKING RULE AND WILL MOST DEFINITELY ROCK MY UNDERPANTS (exterior underpants wearing also considered) OFF??
As you can see, I don’t ask for much. I am just like everyone else when it comes to music. I just want something that’s off the beaten path and a bit more edgier. A tinge of angst and hatred is also welcomed in any form as well.
The following song I’ve got for download here is what I think is truly the shit in my book. Sung by the band KidneyThieves, “S&M (a Love Song)” off their debut album, “Trickster” is truly, in my opinion, quite interesting to classify. Rather than trying to lump the genre of this sort of music into the tried and true forms of Rock, Industrial, Metal, Gothic, Electronica and the like, I’ll just classify it as…
“Music from the future”.
Sure, it would probably fit into the above genre but I would honestly feel as if I have done a great disservice if I did.
Now enough of this foreplay. It is now time for the curious to download the song and discover if the song is the shit for you as well.
Then again, it could just end up as plain shit to you as well.
KidneyThieves - S&M (a Love Song)
Distant son, Nova fucker
Hit and run to another
Took from you, from me
Lash and caress in between
Hit the target won an animal
Got a piece, a trace, a slip inside
Tore a page from the bindHanded a twisted sadistic
Wanted you to fix it
Chant, Cry, Moan, Lie
Tender garden bang to dryPound the love outta me, beat the love outta me
Best I can do, pleasure/pain
Too close to you, I’ll blow your ash away
Took from you, from me
BrutallyPound the love outta me, Beat the love outta me
[Catch me if you can, butter a scent on your hand]Wigs, Whips, Chains tied
You laughed, I criedAll I wanted is all you wanted
Download
KidneyThieves - S&M (a Love Song)
